A child’s feeling always communicates a need. Shame arises when our needs are not met in early interactions and we are not met with them. We ourselves internally turn our backs on our needs if we learn to think that they are not important. Shame maintains a false self-image: various beliefs and perceptions of one’s own worthlessness, inadequacy or badness. Hidden in the false self-image is the idea that if others knew what I really think, feel or am, they would reject me. A false self helps to survive. We learn to believe that through a false self and different roles, we gain acceptance. For someone, the role can be caring, for someone, pleasing or performing. The connection to one’s own desires, needs and authenticity is lost. Shame is often covered by other feelings or actions; facing shame can be too painful. When something pushes our shame button it reminds us of the rejected shame inside us, we may escape behind roles, other emotional reactions, or constant rumination. To perform, overindulge, rage, addictions, dramas, or rush.
How does shame connect then with eating issues? We need to understand where is the root to our shame and how it shows up in our lives. What kind of roles or behavior patterns have you built around you to protect your vulnerable true self? Sometimes compulsive eating behaviors are tools to numb the feelings of shame or in some situations we think that food will take away the pain and soothes us. We use food as a way to regulate our emotions. If we never face our true selves and difficult emotions that arises and the feeling of shame, we are going to continue the harmful patterns. Start to listen the feeling of shame, what it has to say and to approach it with compassion and understanding. We need to get into the root of shame to be free from it.
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